Downside Up
by Infamousplot
Summary: Age is but a number. Sort of. Maybe? The saying "Who really wants to live forever?" has taken on a new meaning for him, and now, he's starting to doubt the perks of immortality. Because what are you supposed to do when you've finally found something worth living for... But it's long past too late? Slight one-sided Josh/Neku, if you like.


**\Rough Draft/  
**

**Title:** Downside Up

**Summary:** Age is but a number. Sort of. Maybe? The saying "Who really wants to live forever?" has taken on a new meaning for him, and now, he's starting to doubt the perks of immortality. Because what are you supposed to do when you've finally found something worth living for... But it's long past too late?

**Rating:** T for language, and because TWEWY is a T Rated game so I might as well make matchies.

**A/N:** Post-TWEWY, takes place in the same universe as Wonderful Moments, Temer, Perfect and Ten Seconds. Semi-inspired by Raberba Girl- if not for our conversations in The League of Xion Lovers (my KH forum, *shameless self plugging*), I probably never would have dug this up and finished it :P Slight one-sided Josh/Neku, if you squint. It is fairly ambiguous and can be interpreted as you please, however, and hopefully it won't affect anyone's enjoyment of the fic.

**X**

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_"When I make the words in my mouth they taste like lies  
When I let them form it just smears away the meaning  
I can't get a single thing just as I want it  
I know, I'm simply worthless..._

_But why is it that way when it comes to words?  
Why do they turn to lead-like lies?  
Why do they turn to aimless birds?  
Why do they turn to dirt?_

_Oh, I let out all those words, and I finally felt your touch,  
And yet despite all that, I said nothing at all  
Oh, I love you so, Vivi  
I love you so, Vivi  
Say good bye to me, Vivi, since that's all our love comes to.__"_

_- "Vivi", Hachi_

_X  
_

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/

"Dude, how did you even _find_ this place?"

Neku had his hands on the iron guard rail, and was leaning over it to stare down at the city, a look of amazement in his eyes that he seemed to be trying to hide. Joshua flipped his phone shut and stuck it in his pocket, trying not to smile as he came up beside Neku, resting his arms on the rail and following his gaze. Everything looked so miniscule from up here- which was the main reason Joshua loved it. Traffic looked like long, rainbow millipedes, and all the people mulled about like colorful little ants. Yep, nothing made you feel more powerful than comparing mankind to insects.

"I'm the Composer," Joshua replied smugly. "There isn't a place in this entire city I don't know about." There was a hint of pride in his voice, though he doubted Neku appreciated it. If anything, he probably found the thought of Joshua knowing all of Shibuya like the back of his hand incredibly disturbing. Neku rolled his eyes, confirming Josh's suspicions.

"Whatever." He was still looking down at the city, happy with the view. It wasn't the tallest building in Shibuya, but it wasn't very tight on security, so sneaking up to the top was fairly easy- especially when you were an undead demigod, capable of doing (pretty much) whatever the flip you wanted. From up here, Joshua could see most of Shibuya. He could even make out Cat Street, and the WildKat, though only faintly.

"What on earth possessed you to come up here?" Neku mused. He sounded like he was talking more to himself than to him, but Josh answered anyway.

"I get bored down in the sewer. It doesn't have the best view." He wrinkled his nose at the thought. Josh wasn't exactly sure why the Composer's Chamber had to remain in the sewer. Mr. H had told him it was because of "reasons", things to do with the original chamber having been built in that exact spot, and when mortals developed a sewage system they'd ended up building it straight through the chamber, and the Angels and past Composers had decided to just make some readjustments, instead of redoing the entire thing. What Joshua took from these "reasons" was that, basically, those on the Higher Plane were too lazy to change the location of the chamber, and he was being forced to suffer because of it. Angels were sticklers for tradition. They liked things to stay the way they'd always been for as long as possible. And despite being a self-proclaimed "hip" and "modern" individual, Mr. H was still an Angel. The Chamber had been there since the first Game, and would stay there until the last, as far as he was concerned. Which sucked, because the sewer smelled like shit. Literally. Which meant, a lot of the time, _Joshua_ smelled like shit- and, just to be clear, feces did _not_ make a very attractive cologne.

Neku's nose also wrinkled at the mention of the sewer, and Joshua tried not to make a scene of quickly sniffing himself, hoping he didn't still wreak. He did. _Dammit._

"Yeah, I know." Neku grumbled. "I've been there." His eyes darkened a little bit at this statement, and Joshua guessed he was thinking about the Game again. He always seemed quieter and duller when he was thinking about the Game. So reflective, he was. Joshua tried to think of something to change the subject- anything to avoid dealing with Angsty Flashback Neku. Because Angsty Flashback Neku might drag out Angsty Flashback Josh, and it wasn't easy to keep the two from going at each others throats.

"So, Neku, how's life been treating you?" He asked, trying to sound casual. Neku looked at him funnily for a moment, then shrugged.

"Same-old same-old, I guess." He returned his gaze to the city, his initial wonder at the sight starting to fade into boredom. Joshua knew the feeling. You could only stand up high for so long before you began to get tired of it all, before you started to wonder 'now what?'

"School's almost out," Neku continued, drawing Josh's attention away from more troubling thoughts. "Beat isn't completely flunking, so that's good... Eri and Shiki signed up for some 'Designer's Day-Camp', or something like that..." He cracked a little smile as he talked, a pleasant light going off in his eyes at the mention of his friends. He always became more animated when he was talking about them, Joshua had noticed. He couldn't help but wonder what sort of expression Neku had when he told his friends about _him._ If he even talked about him. Did he? Or was he one of those thoughts that got shoved into the back of his brain, struggling to be forgotten?

"Ug, Shiki found out my birthday's next week... I think she and Eri are planning some sort of surprise party for me." Neku grumbled, rolling his eyes, as if to say 'You know how girls are.' "Beat told them it's a big deal where he comes from, so now they're running away with it."

"Your birthday?" Josh stared at him, somewhat blankly.

Birthdays. That was right, Neku would be sixteen soon. Moving up to the next grade, looking into colleges and careers, figuring out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life... Because Neku could do that. He was human, he was mortal. He'd keep on aging -mortals had a nasty habit of doing that. For some reason, remembering this so suddenly left Josh with a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Yep." Neku's voice did not lend much interest to the topic. He glanced at Josh, a smirk of his own on his face. "What? My stalker didn't know about my birthday?" He chuckled. Josh quickly recollected himself, and feigned insult.

"Neku, you wound me. Whatever would lead you to believe that _I_ stalk _you?_" He smirked back.

"I don't know. Other than the obvious fact that you do?"

"If you say so, dear." Joshua shrugged. The topic was starting to become uncomfortable again. It seemed that all their subjects of conversation for the day were either awkward or unpleasant. Wonderful. Desperate to change the subject, Joshua hopped back onto the original train of thought- though he wasn't entirely happy with the direction in which it was heading either. "So, you're finally turning sixteen?" Neku nodded, but didn't add anything else, much to Joshua's relief. Clearly age wasn't a very big deal to him. It wasn't to Josh, either. That was to say, it hadn't been. Not until recently anyway.

You see, dead people didn't exactly age. Not physically, and for the most part, not mentally. The bodies of the unliving remained in the constant state that they had died in, unless there was some sort of interference or alteration... The true form of the Composer usually looked older, or sometimes younger, than the actual age they had died at- the glowing white figure Josh often appeared as in the UG was really just a physical manifestation of his powers. The greater the power, the older and more menacing one looked (though Josh wouldn't say he looked 'menacing'- just stoic, and a tad unnerving). In Composer form, his body would project the illusion of aging, at least to an extent. In Boy form, however, Joshua resumed the state in which he had died- a frail, fifteen-year-old boy.

While his mind was still capable of absorbing information and learning from its mistakes, his brain also remained in a fifteen-year-old state. It didn't really matter how long he'd been dead. It didn't change the fact that, biologically, he still had the brain of a teenager, and so long as he was unliving, his brain would continue to react to situations as a teenage brain typically would. In simpler terms, he was trapped in infinite puberty, and -to put it mildly- it freaking _sucked._ Seriously, he should have waited until he was at least eighteen before offing himself... Then maybe he wouldn't have to deal with all the hormones (because apparently, his body hadn't taken the hint that it was _dead_, and that bodily functions such as pumping blood and preparing him for adulthood were no longer necessary).

For a long time, the concept of age hadn't bothered Joshua. Mr. H was the only person that mattered to him, and he was dead too, so it wasn't like Josh had to worry about him growing old and dying on him. Even if the Composer's body continued to mature, Joshua still _felt_ like he had when he'd entered the Game, and Hanekoma felt like he had when he'd died- whenever it was he'd died (probably around the Jurassic Period, maybe a little earlier). If Hanekoma never aged, then Joshua had nothing to worry about. Because as long as Mr. H was around, he was all set.

Then, Neku had entered the picture. And it was fair to say that Joshua hadn't been quite the same since then.

During what those in the Higher Plane were now semi-officially referring to as 'The Neku Incident', Joshua had seriously screwed up Neku's life. And, in return, Neku had seriously screwed up _his_ life (unlife, whatever)- far more than he would ever realize. Except Neku, it seemed, had changed him for the better.

He'd shown him that society was not some constant thing, stuck in place, doomed to follow the same cycle indefinitely. He'd made him realize that humans weren't so awful and worthless after all, that forming bonds and relations wasn't as overrated as he'd always believed. Neku had proven to him that people could change, and that had gotten him thinking- if they could change, then why not him? If the 'worst kid in Shibuya', Neku Sakuraba, could have a change of heart, a new lease on life, then why the hell couldn't Yoshiya Kiryu? Sure, he was already dead, but hey, better late than never, right?

So, Joshua had spared Shibuya. He'd brought Neku back. He'd even dug up Rhyme's soul and brought her back- something those in the Higher Plane were not all that happy about, but compared to his other transgressions, it really wasn't the major problem. The real problem was that he'd been fully committed to destroying Shibuya, his own district- an act that had been outlawed by the Big Guy centuries ago -up until the very end, when he'd changed his mind.

The fact that he'd changed his mind was what made punishing him so difficult. Because yes, he'd killed himself a pawn and destroyed his Conductor, and yes, he'd ended up dragging a bunch of hapless Players into his scheme, and _yes_ he'd illegally entered his own Game; but in the end he'd put things back to the way they were. So the new problem that arose in the Higher Plane was: to what extent could they punish him? Could they really _prove_ that he hadn't just been planning to spare Shibuya all along? And if that was the case, why sacrifice his Conductor (whom he still hadn't found a replacement for), just for some silly game? Oh, the collateral damage was long lasting, and it never seemed to end...

Returning to his point... The thing was, while Mr. H didn't age, Neku _did._ Year after year, Neku would get older. He would grow up, and go to college; pursue a career, get a life, fall in love, and probably leave Shibuya, never to return. Joshua, on the other hand, would remain in the frail, fifteen-year-old body that he'd died in, with his fifteen-year-old brain, while Neku matured and left and forgot all about him. He would stay here, forever, until someone finally assassinated him. Or until the world was inevitably incinerated by the sun. Or something like that.

Now, Joshua wanted to say that this wouldn't bother him- that it _didn't_ bother him, because he didn't waste his time thinking about it. Except that would be a big fat lie. Because he _did_ spend time thinking about it. A lot of time, actually. And every time he thought about it, it made his head hurt, and his chest ache in a way it hadn't for years.

In Joshua's life- _Un_life, _whatever_- there were not many people that cared about him, and in return, there weren't too many people he could say he cared for. Really, Mr. H was the main person he'd felt any emotional attachment to. He'd known him since before he'd died, and Hanekoma had had his back on almost every occasion. Almost. He was like a father to him- a far better father than his real one had been- and considering Mr. H had set Sho up against him with the intention of _killing_ him, that said a lot.

Neku was different though. Neku was... Well, at the risk of sounding sappy or cliched, Neku was special. Joshua had tortured him. He'd played with his mind, he'd tricked him and harassed him and lied to him, repeatedly. He'd played with his heart, treated him like garbage, and yet...

And yet, when he'd offered Neku the chance to get his revenge, the chance to kill him and save Shibuya... Neku hadn't taken it. He hadn't pulled the trigger. He'd lowered the gun, with tears in his eyes, because for some strange reason, he couldn't do it.

Neku hadn't been able to bring himself to kill him. Even after everything he'd done to him! He'd murdered him, in cold blood- twice. He'd taken away Shiki- the most important person in Neku's life at the time, and probably still to this day (why did that make his stomach feel sick, why did it make his head swim). He'd put him through Hell, _three times_, done things that would have broken other men. Joshua had threatened to destroy the only home Neku had ever known, along with everything and everyone that he now loved... And Neku still hadn't pulled the trigger.

As Joshua had stood holding the smoking gun all those months ago, he had been utterly perplexed. Even to this day, their fatal stand off still confused and bewildered him. Neku hadn't known he would be brought back, or that Shibuya would be spared. No, as far as he knew, Shibuya was screwed, and so was he. Even now, after everything he'd done to him, Neku still _trusted_ him. He wouldn't forgive him- couldn't, forgive him -but he trusted him. It was all very puzzling, and at times, overwhelming to Joshua. It went against everything he'd ever known or believed about human nature, but at the same time... It made him feel sort of happy. It made him feel hopeful.

Neku was one of those very few people who cared about Joshua, even if it probably went against his better judgement. So, though he wouldn't go about flaunting it, Joshua kind of sort of cared about Neku too. Way more than he would ever admit, to anyone, _especially_ the redhead himself. And Neku's friends, to his increasing curiosity and delight (again, things he would never ever admit), had sort of started to grow on him too. Even if they found his presence discomforting, and half of them probably wanted to beat the tar out of him for what he'd done to Neku- which he couldn't exactly blame them for. Honestly, he'd wouldn't have been surprised if Neku had tried to strangle him or beat him unconscious when he'd first showed up again. He found it rather amazing that the worst he'd ever suffered from Neku's anger had been a black eye and a bloody nose.

"Yo, earth to Joshua." Neku's voice poked its way into Joshua's consciousness, just as his finger poked the side of his head. Blinking, Joshua looked over at the boy, rubbing the now sore spot near his temple.

"Yes?" He scowled. Absent mindedly, he reached for his phone, flipping it open to see what time it was. He wasn't sure how long he'd been zoning out, leaving Neku to stand in otherwise awkward silence. Neku shrugged, still slumped over the railing, his gaze almost dull as he watched the city below, his previous boredom having returned. Maybe he'd been out of it longer than he'd thought...

"Nothing. You just looked spacey. All this talk about birthdays got you down?" Neku's bored look became a smirk, his tone teasing. "Remind you of what a geezer you are?"

"Hardy har har." Joshua replied, making a point of not looking at him. He felt a sudden twist in his gut, the feeling that maybe he shouldn't have pushed the birthday card (hah, punny) so hard with Neku earlier. Age was one of the last things he wanted to discuss with Neku- especially his own.

He wasn't even that old. Not really. As far as eternity went, he was still practically an infant in the grand scheme of things (what would that make Neku and the others? Newborns? Fetuses?). He certainly wasn't the first Composer of Shibuya, and he definitely hadn't shared the earth with the dinosaurs or trekked about in the feudal era. When you went by human standards though, he wasn't exactly "young" any more, even if he still looked and felt it. And the whole "lack of mental aging" thing was a bit difficult to explain in terms that people understood. He didn't know how Neku would react if he told him, and honestly, he was perfectly fine not knowing his response. All anyone needed to know was that he'd been fifteen when he died, and as far as he was concerned, he might as well still be.

Joshua became aware that Neku was still looking at him, and an unfamiliar discomfort began to creep over him. Above the UG, Joshua couldn't read people's thoughts, but he'd learned enough that he could tell was someone was thinking pretty easily without actually having to delve into the occasionally disturbing contents of their mind. It wasn't hard to deduct that Neku's thoughts were still lingering on age, and before he had even opened his mouth, Joshua knew exactly what he was going to say.

"How old are you?" He asked it so casually, as though he was unaware of the full weight behind his question, the sheer power of those four tiny words. Joshua continued to make a point of not meeting his gaze, focusing rather intently on the opened window of an apartment building across from them. Through it, he could see a young woman sitting in a chair, staring at something- most likely a TV -, completely unaware she was being watched.

"Fifteen," he replied. He didn't have to look at Neku to know he was rolling his eyes- something he had a habit of doing, especially in his presence.

"No, I mean how old are you _really?_" He corrected himself, adding a fifth word that only made the question hang heavier in the air. Five tiny words, six syllables, a small sentence that seemed to fill the entire city, dulling the hum of traffic and sucking away all oxygen. If Neku only realized what an impact his questions had on him, that he was one of the few people who could ever truly make him feel uneasy... Well, maybe it was better that he didn't. Knowing he had that kind of power over the Composer might go to his head.

Neku's expectant gaze was still burning into his skull. Forcing his discomfort down, Joshua turned and fixed his most aggravating smirk on the boy.

"Why the sudden interest in my personal life, dear?" He giggled, hoping that it didn't sound nearly as forced as it felt. Regardless, the effects were immediate, and once more Neku's face fell into a scowl.

"What? You're allowed to ask me whatever you want, and I can't know anything about you?" His voice took a more serious tone, and his eyes narrowed into an irritated glare. "What kind of messed up double standard is that?" Joshua's eyes narrowed right back at him.

"Why is it such a big deal?" He replied. Neku continued to glare.

"Friends don't keep secrets." Was his response. Joshua snorted, his gaze moving away from Neku and back down to the busy streets of Shibuya.

"Where'd you read that, in a Girl Scout magazine?" He pushed a lock of hair behind his ear, letting his arm drop and swing over the railing. This conversation had taken a rather sharp turn for the worst, quickly. He should have dropped the whole age thing when he'd had the chance."The last time I checked, you weren't exactly a genius when it came to friendship, _dear_." Joshua's smirk tightened as he stretched the last word out, making plenty of room for the bitterness to seep in.

"At least I'm trying." Neku growled, pushing off the railing and standing up. Joshua's eyes flickered over to him. "Can't say the same for you." Joshua felt something in his chest twist and flare up angrily.

"Who are you to judge? Mr. Get Out of My Face, the World Ends With Me?" He snapped, glowering up at the boy.

"I learned my lesson, Josh." Neku snarled.

"And I haven't?" Joshua laughed harshly, standing up and stalking several steps closer. Neku's eyes hovered a decent inch above his, and he suddenly wished he'd stayed where he was. Then at least he'd have an excuse for the difference in their height. "In case you've forgotten, the very building you're standing on would be nothing but dust right now if I hadn't learned a thing or two." He picked back up quickly. Neku's eyes narrowed, and Josh could practically hear him grinding his teeth. Of the many things he hated to be reminded of, that was probably within the top three.

"Why won't you answer any of my questions, Josh?" He asked flatly, his features starting to glaze over with that old stoic he used to wear all the time. The walls that Shiki and the others had broken down were starting to climb back up again, already preparing to block Josh out. Joshua glared.

"Does it really matter? I have my reasons, and that should be good enough." He scoffed. Neku glowered at him, eyes hard and glassy as he watched the Composer.

"Fine. Whatever. Don't tell me." He muttered, his voice dark. Neku turned and began to walk away, shoving the door open and setting off the emergency alarm. Joshua sighed, an uncomfortable, irritated feeling clouding his mind.

"I thought you said you trusted me!" Josh shouted after him, feeling like an idiot as soon as the words had left his mouth. Neku paused for a moment, looking back and regarding him with a stare that hovered somewhere between frustration and disappointment. Josh wasn't sure which one he found more disheartening.

"Yeah, well trust is a two-way street, Josh." Neku called back, and with another, the door swung shut behind him, leaving Joshua all alone.

"Ass." Joshua muttered. He stood there for a few moments, his whole body clogged with a feeling of frustration. The sound of footsteps clambering up the stairs and muffled voices reminded him that, as far as security here was concerned, he was trespassing. With a loud sigh that didn't do seem to help diminish the cloud of frustration gnawing at his brain, Joshua closed his eyes. His body began to vibrate, tuning back into the UG. From his shoulder blades, wings began to materialize, unfurling and spreading out as he climbed over the metal railing and launched himself out over the city. His stomach flew upward and his undead heart flipped as he fell downward, but it only lasted a moment. Wind caught beneath his wings, and with a flap, he was rising up, angling himself clumsily as he tried to hone into the WildKat.

Just who exactly did Neku think he was, talking to him like that? Who was he to say he wasn't trying? How the hell would he know?

_How could he? You don't tell him anything. _A snide little voice in his head reminded him. He ignored it.

It didn't matter how long and hard he pretended- nothing he did made any difference. Joshua wasn't a normal kid. Even if Neku forgave him, and his friends learned to love him, and they all welcomed him into their happy little family with smiles and open arms, Joshua would never truly be one of them. Because he wasn't just a kid, not any more. He was the Composer. He was an urban legend, a deity. A magical, immortal freak.

It was for the best that he didn't get so involved with Neku. Because when Neku grew up and left, Joshua would be alone. Again. The less time he spent with Neku, the less it would hurt when that day finally came.

So why tell Neku anything? Why confide in some mortal, some insignificant speck on the surface of eternity, who, by standards of immortality, would be gone by tomorrow? What was the point, other than causing himself more unnecessary pain?

_Because he's not insignificant. Because he's your friend._ The snide little voice in his mind was softer now, pleading, almost desperate. Sad, and lonely, starving for the sort of affection he'd never really known- for that brief happiness he felt when he was with Neku and the others, in those split seconds when he managed to forget that deep down they all probably hated his guts.

_Because he cares about you._ The voice was now a whimper, silent and painfully reminiscent of a child.

"Well then, he has a terrible sense of judgement." Joshua laughed bitterly at his own internal voice, only half aware that he was talking -quite literally -to himself.

_Because you care about him._

Joshua didn't bother responding this time, as he glided over the city, invisible to those below, except maybe a few Reapers who happened to be looking up.

What did it matter, how much he cared about Neku, or anything really? In the end, it wouldn't change a thing. He would still be alone. He would still end up forgotten. Caring wouldn't make a difference.

All it would do was make things harder.

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**Not a huge fan of the idea of Joshua being a bajillion years old, and I wanted to figure out a feasible way for Joshua to still technically be a teenager, despite having died quite awhile ago- and getting around his Composer form a Dat Body.  
**

**I cannot remember I Hanekoma ever said anything about the Composer's real age or that body reflecting his true age, and I can't seem to find anything about it in the Secret Reports. So this is my head canon :P  
**

**I don't feel like this flows that nicely in some parts, and I want to clean up Neku and Josh's argument near the end, but if I don't post this now I might never get it up, so I'll try and clean it up later, after Finals.  
**

**Please enjoy~  
**

**_ALSO. VIVI. GREAT SONG. COOL/WEIRD MUSIC VIDEO. AND SO VERY MANY JOSHUA AND NEKU FEELS._  
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**__I kind of feel like the quote seems random... But it's just such a great song for these two :P Even though Josh sees Neku as a friend he still can't bring himself to tell him everything. When Neku tries reaching out Joshua only pulls away, saying harsh things instead of how he's really feeling. He's frustrated that he can't put these things into words around Neku, and so he ends up saying things that make Neku mad and only make him regret having reached out. And maybe I didn't need to write this part but I wanted to x3  
**


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